February 12, 2013 by Doug Coutts
The Prime Minister Sir John Keys says the danger of boat-loads of refugees reaching New Zealand is real and “getting realer all the time”. He says secret briefings from both the Sensible Sentencing Trust and the Government Stores Board suggest that people smugglers are getting more sophisticated. “Many are dressing in Zambesi and smoking Gauloises,” he told WWNews over a mochaccino at Bellamy’s. “Not only that, improvements in watertightness and map-reading mean it’s entirely feasible for a 12-foot dinghy carrying 200pax to reach Devonport from Jakarta in under three days, if the wind is right.”
Sir John denies his latest comments are merely scare-mongering and sucking up to Julia Gillard’s government. “Well, I would, wouldn’t I?” he smirked.
In other worldly news, the head of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Benedict, is to step down at the end of the month, citing a desire to pursue other interests. These are said to include parkour, photography and eating horsemeat on Fridays. No other pope in the last 600 years has resigned, preferring to die in mysterious circumstances before they got the chance. Sources close to the Vatican say Il Papa has developed an incurable case of OOS, exacerbated by his insistence on writing pardons for pederastic priests by hand.
Residents and retailers in the sunny seaside port of Picton are said to be alarmed by a Government report recommending moving the interisland ferry terminal to Clifford Bay, shaving 80 minutes off the journey and 90% off Picton’s profits. Café proprietor Sari Weirshut, speaking exclusively to WWNews on condition we bought a pot of tea and wrinkled toastie, says the likelihood of Picton losing all of its tourist trade has come as a bit of a shock. “We thought we had a captive market,” she said. “If we knew we might have to earn a living, I’d have learnt how to make a decent coffee. And we’d stay open past 7pm, and probably open in the weekends.” Other retailers echo her concerns. One says he had no idea tourists would go elsewhere for better service if only they could. “That says a lot about the free-market economy, doesn’t it?”
To sports now, and Sonny Bill Williams is still getting a lot of media attention, as sports journalists are mostly lazy bastards who can’t be bothered looking for real news. Oh wait, Jesse Ryder might have done something. No, as you were. What about that Lydia Ko then, eh?