February 11, 2013 by Doug Coutts
Next month’s Auckland Cup Week series of race meetings is on hold while officials check entrants for traces of horsemeat. Meanwhile, restaurant owners in Wellington are adamant they are not part of the dodgy trade. “Why would we bother with horses?” said one, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We have no problems with obtaining real meat, especially since Gareth mouthed off.”
The British Prime Minister David Cameron has urged Scotland not to go its own way in the up-coming vote on independence. “Currently, Scotland has the best of both worlds,” he pandered. “Britain gets to share Scotland’s natural resources, and they share our debt crisis. It’s a win-win situation.” Scotland could not be reached for comment due to a two-for-one Mars Bar deal at Sauro’s Fish Bar in Dunfermline.
TVNZ’s flagship morning lifestyle show Good Morning is back on air again, in a slightly shortened one-hour format. After advertorials and commercials are taken out, each of the twelve presenters will have approximately 38 seconds of air-time each. Associate assistant intern producer Shelby Wright says the show will maintain the high standards set in previous years. “Everyone will just speak faster, that’s all. Some are good at it already.”
And in sports, boxing has reaffirmed its top spot as the most honest sport in the sporting world after a worldwide survey of sports fans. WBA spokesman Bill Sinnaplienrapa said he was unsurprised. “Other sports, like cycling, cricket and football, are plagued with rumours of drug use and allegations of match-fixing,” he told WWNews on condition we bought ringside seats in Dacca. “There’s none of that rumour business in boxing – it’s obvious.”
In a related story, Sonny Bill Williams says that after his triumphs in rugby, league, boxing and banking, he’s ready to move on to something new. “I’d like to try writing,” he told his mate Quade who twittered it to everyone. “I’m sick of printing in capitals and I feel I have the skills to try joining the letters up.” Sonny Bill’s manager is said to be already at the Bic factory signing a deal worth millions.