February 10, 2013 by Doug Coutts
The TAB has announced it will be refunding all bets on last night’s T20 game featuring England and the Black Caps because of a misunderstanding between the teams.
TAB Spokesman Nevan Stephens said the New Zealand team had taken to the field on the assumption that the English players had read the papers. “There’s been a lot of talk by sports writers about the plucky spirit of the Black Caps,” Mr Stephens said. “They’ve apparently put all the issues of the past well behind them and have developed into a tight, cohesive unit. At least, that what the press has been saying.”
It turns out that, because of a strike by newspaper delivery boys, the English team was unaware of the enshrined-in-print match-winning capabilities of the Black Caps and subsequently whipped their asses as if they were a schoolboy team from Naenae . Under the circumstances, Mr Stephens says, the TAB had no option but to return punter’s money. “It was an unfair game. One side was ignorant of the facts while the other was made up of money-grubbing has-beens and teenage greenhorns backed up by a clueless coach and fainthearted management. I know who I’d have put money on.”
In other news, Australian Prime Minister, back home after a whirlwind visit to this country, has described New Zealanders as “family”. “Not as brother and sister sort of family,” she said. “More like the cousins in the outback that you never tell anyone about.” NZ Prime Minister John Keys told reporters he had found Ms Gillard “a delight, and much prettier than she comes across in her movies”. In a deal hatched at a secret meeting during her trip, Ms Gillard has agreed to rehouse all Australia’s illegal immigrants in special units to be built in Hokitika if we stop booing Quade Copper.
To the environment now, and the Manaw(h)atu-W(h)anganui Council has come up with what they describe as a “kick-arse” plan to solve the odour problem at the sewage ponds that has been putting locals off their pies for months . “We are going to ban sales of anti-histamines throughout the region,” spokesperson Ollie Factry said. “With the pollen count at record levels, no one’s going be smelling nothing. Smart as.”