February 9, 2013 by Doug Coutts
Confusion reigns in New Zealand government circles as officials struggle to establish exactly who or what is in charge. Up until yesterday morning there was a clear line of command extending from Her Majesty the Queen down to Sir Peter Jackson and his two deputies, the estate of the late Sir Paul Holmes and Talent2. But events in the last 24 hours have thrown a spanner in the works.
Popcorn franchiser Warner Brothers has declared it has a controlling interest in NZ Inc and has placed other parties on notice that any attempt to destabilise its position will result in the shifting of its maize production facilities elsewhere.
“We can grow maize anywhere,” Warners’ head of production and scab labour, Ivan Tiddall, said in a broadcast to the nation on all tv channels and Coast FM. “All we need is a bit of land and lots of manure. And some volunteers to scatter their seed, of course.” Mr Tiddall went on to explain the actual growing process was a secret known only to senior company management and anyone who watches telly, and he was concerned release of some sensitive documents might damage core business. “People might find out what dodgy little bastards film moguls actually are,” he said.
Warners has had a long and proud history in this country, Mr Tiddall said. “We made work in the movie business accessible to anyone without medium-to-high wage expectations and kept them fit by organising marches and orchestrated attacks on their fellow workers.” Mr Tiddall also pointed out his company had made it possible for many New Zealanders to stand in the hot sun for hours on end for a fleeting glimpse of some actors, something they didn’t have before.
Prime Minister and film industry fluffer John Keys is relaxed about Warners’ takeover bid. “It makes sense,” he said. “Sure, we have local firms who can offer the same sort of service, but only once every few years. With Warners, they’re an international company with loads of experience and they’ll be coming here every two or three years, which will keep the New Zealand economy afloat.” When quizzed by reporters, Mr Keys admitted he didn’t know what else floated.
Sir Peter Jackson was unavailable for comment, as he is currently doing an oil-change and tune-up on his corporate jet.
*No way to refer to the PM