Australian sports doping scandal spreads – drug use now rife in hospitals

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February 8, 2013 by Doug Coutts

List of Major League Baseball players suspende...

The drug scandal enveloping Australian sports has now reached epidemic levels with even schoolboy boxing tainted, over accusations of extra sugar in the between-bout cordial. As has been the case with bad current affairs tv formats and mispronunciation of the letter “I”, the practise of doping is expected to spread to New Zealand.

Already some sporting codes here have admitted that there are indications their players are taking illegal substances. Management of both the Black Caps and the Phoenix agree that team members have tested positive for drugs in recent times but are adamant these are not of the performance-enhancing kind.

In other news, Argentina is still rattling its sabre over the Falkland Islands, known in Buenos Aires as Las Malvinas which roughly translates as “c’mon, it’s much closer to us than it is to you”. 3000 British citizens live on the islands, once thought to be the farthest-flung outpost of the Empire until human beings were discovered in Fendalton, and are resolute in their resolve to stay British. “We might have better plumbing and healthier teeth than they do back home,” says one. “But we have the same shit beer and that’s what keeps us together.”

A spokesman for the Argentinian defence forces, Lt.Col Juan Orfdes Dais, said that if Britain refused to back down, Argentina would be forced to look elsewhere. “We have claims, legitimate claims recognised in courts in some of our local towns, on several islands, including your Chathams. So be warned.” The womenfolk in Waitangi are said to be learning Spanish in anticipation.

TVNZ’s new news-style panel show may be dropping in the ratings but it’s still winning the timeslot, according to company PR person Lila Lyrapantsonfire. “Campbell Live is not catching up,” she told WWNews on condition we wouldn’t comment on her body language. “Seven Sharp is simply leading by less each night.” Media commentators suggest it’s an issue of credibility. “John Campbell just oozes credibility,” says one. “If he could only tone it down, more people might watch the show.”

To the weather, and Metservice warns that we’ve been getting it wrong all these years. Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight doesn’t mean it’ll be fine tomorrow. It means it’s going to rain and the shepherd can have the day off.  Pack your brolly.  Always.

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