State Funeral Planned for Thursday

The Seat of Government

The Prime Minister John Keys announced earlier today that plans for a State Funeral are well advanced and it should happen as scheduled next week.

“The State may not be clinically dead,” he said. “But if the Government keeps the pressure on, it won’t take long. And once it’s buried, we can start selling stuff off while it still has some value.”

In other news, staff at the Oxford Dictionary is working through the night to get the latest edition to the printers on time. “We had it all ready to go,” media spokesperson Alexei Khagrafa told WWNews in an exclusive soundbite. “But there was a last-minute revision and we had to move the margins in the J section.” Mr Khagrafa declined to elaborate further but a sneak look at the galley proofs shows that journalist now has an extra meaning: “someone on television”.

In sports news, the New Zealand Sevens team, known to its fans as the New Zealand Sevens team, had to pull out all the stops last night in a thrilling win against the USA. The final score was three dead, twelve arrested and two unconfirmed pregnancies. Tomorrow Fiji, Spain and Canada will take on a largely hungover crowd.

Overseas now and in Beijing the local government is calling on people to show restraint in letting off New Year fireworks because of the high air pollution levels. Residents are instead being urged to attend official displays – organisers are confident there’s enough car parking for everyone.

Metservice reports that there’s more fine weather on the way, but they said that yesterday and look what happened. Take a brolly and waterproof pants just in case. With a glass of water.


Categories: In Breaking News

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