Outlandish costumes predicted for Wellington Sevens

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February 1, 2013 by Doug Coutts

50s_sportcrowd52As Sevens fever hits the capital, fans are going all out to outdo each other in the zany costume stakes.  Organisers do warn, however, that certain outfits will be banned.  “We don’t want anything that’s too revealing,” says media liaison Lila Lyrapantsonfire.  “Anything that shows too much flesh or too little intelligence will get the boot.”

The Wellington Sevens has been criticised in recent years for being more about selling booze to pissed people than about a nothing sport created by marketing experts.  Ms Lyrapantsonfire says this will be addressed.  “It’s always been a fine line balancing the needs of our international broadcasters with those of the breweries.  This year we think we have the mix about right.”  Changes include not allowing fans to smuggle in more that a dozen RTDs each, stationing detox teams at both ends of each row of seats and moving the actual games to Carterton.

In other news, a recent study has shown that laughter is indeed the best medicine.  This is good news for the Reader’s Digest snippets team, otherwise facing prosecution under trade description legislation, and also for the poor people of Christchurch, coping for nearly two years with the after-effects of a huge earthquake and continual visits by Gerry Brownlee.

Apparently the recent buskers’ festival has cheered them up no end, according to the Canterbury medical officer of health.  He suggests that having a laugh is the best way to beat the quake blues as it releases endorphins, the body’s natural happy pills.  Synthetic happy pills may also be a short-term solution.  He did warn, though, that to prevent a recurrence of depression they should on no account watch TV1’s new comedy Agent Anna.

The beleaguered Novopay system is unlikely to be scrapped, WWNews has been told by an inside source.  Instead, it will be renamed and funds will be distributed on a weekly basis.  Teachers will receive their first Lotto packs in the next few days.

The weather is predicted to be great for Sevens Weekend, handy as most punters will be under it by tomorrow morning.


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February 2013
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