Gareth amongst the pigeons

2

January 31, 2013 by Doug Coutts

gareth

Gareth Morgan has offered the SPCA $5 a head for each homeless cat they euthanise. He won’t be drawn on how much he’ll pay for mice, budgies and schoolgirls who text while walking.

Elsewhere, a man has been arrested after going on a rampage at an inner-city store this morning, during which three people were injured.

The area surrounding the CheapAsChipwrappers Stationery Warehouse was cordoned off by police after the man, described by a bystander as “Dad”, allegedly went berserk with a shopping basket full of exercise books, glue-sticks and bendy rulers. According to one witness, the man had reached the front of the queue after a lengthy wait to discover he had 17 1B5s instead of 12 1B8s. When the checkout operator also pointed out a pack of 6 HB pencils was much cheaper than the two individual ones in his basket, the man lashed out, throwing stationery items at people nearby.

None of the injured, all of whom suffered paper cuts, was hospitalised as the incident occurred during the junior doctors’ tea-break. Police are calling for calm, saying poorly laid-out school stationery lists combined with soaring temperatures is the most common cause of street violence at this time of year.

In other news, men’s collectives around the country are up in arms over a report just published that purports to show that husbands who do the dishes are less likely to get a bonk from the missus than those who leave their dirty socks on the floor and the dunny seat up. “This is patently untrue,” says collective co-leader and talking-stick repairer Wim Persimmons. “Challenging traditional gender roles around the home can often strengthen relationships.” And in prison too.

Beleaguered dairy giant Fonterra is countering claims that its products are dodgy, contaminated and make you fat, following incidents in China, Delhi and the Haumia St Superette. Spokesperson Nono Nantidoat, head of Marketing and Forensics, says that problems with melamine and DDT are well in the past and consumers should have every confidence in milk “as long as it stays in the cow”.

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2 thoughts on “Gareth amongst the pigeons

  1. f dx says:

    Gareth has that sort of face that you just want to punch, a lot!

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