January 29, 2013 by Doug Coutts
Police are calling for more quad bike regulations after a man was charged with driving off a cliff pissed as a fart, nearly killing his daughter.
“We’d like to see tougher penalties to prevent this sort of activity,” said Senior Constable Willy Dewtyme in a media tussle where WWNews was five rows back but still managed to get the gist. “In particular we’d like new laws preventing someone refusing to own up for months and then when he is charged, doing a sob-story on the front-page. It’s like the old adage has changed – now, if you do crimes, call up the Times.”
The man charged with dangerous drinking causing bad decision-making, Glot Allstop, said family reasons prevented him from coming forward earlier. “I was trying to get them to take the blame but they were like oh no bro stink and that,” he said in a statement released by his agent, Bill Ralston Cricket. “So I had to wait until the newspaper bidding war was over before manning up.” Allstop will make a further appearance in court and another on Campbell Live, once the cheques clear.
In other news, Victoria Beckham has confided to close friends and newspaper reporters that she “needs to work,” to prove she is not just mother to two kids with stupid names and wife to a husband who probably isn’t as stupid as those who think he is. The former Spice Girl says she’s been plagued with self-doubt ever since well forever and needs to open a fashion business, hair salon or Mr Green lawn-care franchise to realise her full potential. Others suggest that if she’d just eat something, even a blanched almond, she might feel better.
Looking at business news, the New Zealand dollar fell overnight. Economists are blaming an over-zealous floor polisher.
And in news just to hand, NZ Post has announced it will seek a review of the legislation that forces it to deliver mail to letter-boxes 6 times a week. The company, formed after the merger of the old Post Office and Richard Prebble World Domination Inc, claims the number of letters being delivered has decreased by 93% in the past year, although how many of these have been burnt by contract workers in Queenstown is unclear, according to spokesperson Puti Inaslot.
“Whether people aren’t writing letters or our workers are dumping them, the fact of the matter is we no longer have the throughput to justify our current delivery schedule,” Puti says. NZ Post is looking at other options with self-service kiosks and maps of where the mail might be buried the front-runners.
WWNews will be back at 6 with a repackaged version of this, with some extra stuff stolen from the Herlad and RadioLive.