January 25, 2013 by Doug Coutts
The seven Mars bars a day have certainly helped, but we have bigger plans, much bigger plans, plans so big you could wrap them in tea-towels and think you were in an episode of Blackadder. We’re getting into television.
We’re already halfway there. We have a logo, and a boardroom. The new chairs are arriving any day now and the whiteboard is being professionally cleaned as we speak – you have no idea how hard it is to remove biro and bluetack. Once it returns, we’ll have our first schedule planning meeting.
We’re going to follow the traditional television model with lots of style, heaps of panache, 3D graphics, designer fashions and gleaming white teeth. That’s the receptionist taken care of, but the programming will be slightly different.
Instead of the standard news, sports, drama, lifestyle and comedy line-up you find on the FTA networks, or the wall-to-wall crap on cable, we’re going for more fluid approach. News will have aspects of lifestyle, sports will sometimes be funny, and drama is too expensive to make so we’ll just have more lifestyle tinged with newsy sport.
Our nightly news hour will be the lynchpin of the network, screening for 45 minutes on alternate days. There’ll be three presenters – two to do the Auckland weather and traffic reports, and one for the news headlines. We’re going to break with tradition in that the presenters will not be chosen for looks and journalistic ability, just looks, and a background in sports or kite-boarding will be a pre-requisite. Full training will be offered but will be cancelled at the last minute – we want them to be fresh and new, not shoe-horned into constricting stereotypes.
Speaking of doing away with outmoded stereotypes, WWNews’s flagship lifestyle programme is going to be one out of the box. Called New Zealand’s Got Idle (a clever play on words thought up by Jacqui in Marketing/Transport) it will feature the country’s unemployed queueing for days to take part in a week-long selection process that might win them a spot on a cooking to music show, where each week a contestant gets voted off and has to renovate a block of flats in such a way that we can’t be sued for stealing the format from a Latvian company that probably nicked it in the first place.
NZGI will screen for three hours nightly 7 days a week, with a results show in each commercial break. Each episode will be available for download from our website, which we’ve decided to call Ask Nicely, as On Demand seems a bit rude and not in keeping with our image. The host is likely to be that Hollywood reporter guy from TVNZ as he has nice teeth and doesn’t appear to eat much. (Our catering budget is a bit light.)
As for other programming – that’s a bit light too at this stage. But it’s early days and we’re pretty sure we can get pull in stuff off the satellite, like the others do, for the time being. And who knows, the History of Danish Egg Production, with Korean subtitles, might well become appointment viewing. And if we can drag in the viewers, we can drag in the advertisers. That’s where the real money is.
Not that we’re in it for the money. No way. Not us. Although we will have expenses. I feel a Telethon coming on.