January 24, 2013 by Doug Coutts
The Government today announced the commissioning of a second report on deconvicted killer David Bain’s compensation claim. The Prime Minister and CEO of Film New Zealand, John Keys, said earlier this morning, between faints, that a second report was necessary because Justice Minister Collins was unhappy with the first one.
“She didn’t like the choice of font, and the margins were too wide,” he said, swaying on his feet and gripping the lectern for support. “We’ve taken advice on paper weight as well. In addition, Joe Karam tells me he’s a few pages short of another book, so this will obviously help there. It’s a win-win.”
In a related story, famous movie director and alleged plagiarist (we hope we got the order right) James Cameron said that meeting John Keys at a party in Hollywood convinced him that New Zealand was the perfect place to shoot his next movie, a sequel to his adaptation of the Russian novel Avatarski. “He said New Zealand was ripe for the picking,” Mr Cameron confided. “And that’s perfect, because in the next movie the Ferengi people are discovered tending a large orchard.” Mr Cameron also said he was looking to buy more land adjacent to his Featherston property, most likely including the Tararua range and southern Hawke’s Bay.
British Prime Minister David Cameron (no relation) has decided he’ll let the people of the United Kingdom decide for themselves whether to stay in the UK or not, and already the man in the street is looking forward to the referendum. “Gor blimey, guv,” said one. “It’ll make a nice change from choosing between mushy peas or garden ones at the chippie and no mistake. Innit.”
And in breaking news, the backlash from the Beyonce Inauguration Lip-Synching Scandal continues, with allegations pouring in that lip-synching is rife even in this country. The latest accusation is that TVNZ news-reader Wendy Petrie mimes nightly to a backing track recorded earlier by Room Three at Helensville Primary. TVNZ sources said Ms Petrie was unable to comment.
To sports now and New Zealand sport’s governing body, the cryptically-named Sports New Zealand, is concerned that there have been no All Blacks shacking up with Black Sticks in the past 24 hours. “We think it’s just a blip,” said High Performance and Dating manager, Jilly Stickihocks. “But we won’t know for sure until later today. Fingers crossed, there are still some good-looking ones left.” She denied SportNZ was close to being in breach of their contract with Women’s Day.
We’ll be back at noon, but just to check on our trademe watchlist.