January 23, 2013 by Doug Coutts
It’s been reported that Christchurch police have detained a man termed the “Port Hills Groper”. Chief Inspector Knacker told a press conference earlier this afternoon that his team were sure they have the right man. “Although he lacks a dorsal fin and gills, his bulging eyes and thick lips were an instant give-away.” The man, whose name and appetite have been supressed, was remanded in saline.
In a related story, the man dubbed the Beast of Blenheim hasn’t been up to much lately, which is annoying news editors everywhere. “What’s the point of giving someone an epithet if they’re not going to live up to it,” asked TVNZ’s bureau chief Brian “Failed School Cert English” Spratt. His colleague at TV3, Shelley “Can’t be bothered with facts” Allsop concurred, adding “We put a lot of time and effort into coming up with these names, or else we just copy what everyone else is doing. Either way, it’s a bugger.”
Staying with animals, scientists are backing Gareth Morgan’s cat cull call as a sensible means of protecting vulnerable species. “The problem is cats are not the only ones causing this wanton destruction of the environment,” says former DSIR boffin Rose Madder. “But at least it’s a start, and who knows, this time next year we’ll be able to arrange the wholesale slaughter of ferrets, stoats and dairy farmers.” Professor Madder is hopeful of a brighter future. “I’d rather face an angry Fonterra board than a group from the Cat Protection League any day.”
In sports, former All White Ryan Nelsen has turned his back on his country in order to take a paying job in Canada, it’s now compulsory for Black Sticks to go out with All Blacks and the signs are there for the Black Caps to do well in the third ODI, which means they’ll be all out for 7.
And an item just to hand – two men arrested for stealing a charity box have been described as “the lowest of the low”. This will be a boost for murderers and arsonists who have been having a few self-esteem issues lately.
No film at seven – we haven’t used film for years. Even tape is going out of fashion. I mean, you can now put an entire Hobbit move on a single SD card, which frankly is the best place for it.