Normal service will be exhumed shortly

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January 21, 2013 by Doug Coutts

Gen. T.H. Barry, Mrs. Lindley Garrison, Mrs. B...

It may look like we’re being a bit slack in the content creating dept here at WWNews HQ but, to be honest, we have been quite under-resourced in the past couple of days.  An entire floor of editorial staff has been working on the Dotcom file, trying to work out exactly what it is he’s offering.  The best they’ve come up with is “some sort of hard-drive for pirates”.  I suspect we might have to put some younger people on the case; who actually were born in the internet age and don’t talk fondly of school milk (in glass bottles) and Red Band beer (in glass flagons).  Get with the program, people – wireless these days doesn’t mean Appointment with John Gordon or Elizabethan Serenade.

There are some young people in our fashion section who could probably do the job.  They are up with the play and hip with the jive, spending most of their time texting and skyping and tweeting.  If we could teach them the basics of English, they would be a valuable asset in busy times like this.

The staff crèche is another possible source of cheap labour.  Not the kids – we’ve already got most of them either moonlighting as online subs at the NZ Herlad or covering breaking stories for TVNZ News – but since the teachers don’t have much to do as a result, they can shift their desks to the 7th floor, although they should leave the pinafores behind.  We don’t want to set Barry off again.

Barry has been with us a while.  He was one of the original four reporters, back in the day when everything was written out in long-hand with quill and ink before being handed to the compositing team, scanned and run through the OCR.  Times have changed but unfortunately Barry hasn’t, not since before Christmas at least, so we’ve given him his own office and tend to tiptoe past so as not to startle him.  Things get messy if he wakes up frightened.

We’ll soon be back up and running.  It hasn’t been easy running a huge media empire, as you can probably tell.  We had hoped to begin the new year with a hiss and roar but we seem to have missed the boat with only a dictionary of clichés left intact.  We should take a leaf out of Dotcom’s book, if he had one, and surround ourselves with Hummers, men in black with broad shoulders and tiny heads, skinny broads and look to the future.  And if we don’t like what we see, we can just make it up; as Kim himself might have said – no matter how far-fetched it seems now, it’s bound to happen.  Remember how we all laughed at Rogernomics? Exactly.  More film at eleven


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