Weakly news round-up.

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January 18, 2013 by Doug Coutts


The nation is in mourning after the Prime Minister, John Keys, fainted at an Italian restaurant last night but quickly revived himself.

Details are sketchy, as no one had a working camera phone, but several eyewitnesses said Mr Keys fell to the floor shortly after receiving the bill.  According to one source he had been charged $80 for a slice of calzone and a Peroni.  “That’s par for the course at Tutti Bene,” said the source.  “They charge like wounded bulls.”  This was confirmed by the owner of the shop next door, Canterbury Ceramics.  “I can’t get insurance any more,” Ms Ceramics said.

However, that – the fainting thing, not the insurance bit – has been challenged by other eyewitnesses, who claimed the PM fainted after biting into an olive.  “It seems he thought it was a scorched almond,” said one.  “I heard him say to his bodyguard ‘After all these years, I never knew’ shortly before hitting the deck.”

Mr Keys was taken to hospital on the back of a downturn in the polls and kept under observation for several hours before being released.   Doctors said they could find nothing wrong with him, but then doctors have always voted conservatively.

English: Alex Salmond photographed in his cons...In other news, the Scottish First Minister, Alex Salmond, didn’t faint but he did promise everyone with a Scottish grandparent they could be a citizen of Scotland if the seaside nation votes for independence in the referendum next year.  “The only condition is that they send their granny home to vote,” he said.  “Otherwise it probably won’t happen.”

Many of Scotland’s existing citizens are wary of independence, concerned that they’ll be  kicked out of the EU and have to have Mr Salmond’s face on the new pound notes.  Also Gaelic is fiendishly difficult to learn.

Elsewhere millionaire nobody Kim Dotcom has announced his new venture will change the face of the internet.  Exactly how he’s not saying, but he is buying ice-cream for anyone who’ll step up to a microphone – any microphone – and say what a great guy he is and his accent isn’t really a problem.


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