January 17, 2013 by Doug Coutts
The release of a study that shows that money can actually buy you happiness has thrown pretty much everyone in a panic.
According to a report in the New Zealand Journal of Psychology – in your bookseller’s every Monday, collect twelve coupons for a free series of ECT sessions – the more money you have, the happier you will be. Not only is this a deathblow to the terminally poor who’ve been clinging to the hope that they have at least something John Key hasn’t, but it’s a bit of a kick in the guts to misers and tightwads, who until now have been able to justify their niggardly behaviour by being filthy rich. Bob Jones might have to start smiling at babies.
But the biggest impact is on the world of adage and aphorism. If one has been clinically proven to be untrue, what about the others? What if dogs really hate us and a leopard occasionally slips into something more striped? What if absence makes your heart turn to internet dating sites? You see, it’s worse than we thought.
The apple industry can expect a sharp downturn in sales, although Greek courier companies will find business looking up, especially around Christmas. Map-makers are going to be in for a tough time as East becomes West on a whim. Lions won’t be stopped in their tracks by Dancing Queen played on ukulele.
On the upside you will be able to carry all your eggs in a single container, you’ll be able to leave Die Meistersinger early without looking boorish and you won’t have to wear that silly Sherpa hat you got for your birthday, even if it does fit perfectly.
Just a word of warning though – if you do lie down with a dog, you probably will wake up with fleas, as well as your picture in the paper and a facebook group started up to revile you.