January 10, 2013 by Doug Coutts
As regular readers will know, WWNews takes care of its staff. After all, a happy workforce is a productive workface. As well as complying with all Safety in the Workplace regulations – rubber blades in the pencil sharpener, soft-edge paper to avoid cuts, toughened and sanitised glass on the photocopier (also to avoid cuts) – we have several health initiatives in place to keep all our workers fit and well.
We follow all the latest trends in modern medicine as well as the tried-and-true paths to wellness. We insist everyone drinks at least 8 glasses of water a day, and that’s fresh water on its own, not with a teabag, coffee beans or Strathisla 18-year-old dissolved in it.
We are completely dairy-free – there’s no milk in the fridge or ice-cream in the freezer, and the Belted Galloway we kept as an office pet has been sold. Not to an abattoir I hasten to add – we are a totally vegan operation, although Barry the photographer occasionally lapses, due to a medical condition which requires actual food, and becomes a lentilarian for a short time.
As for gluten, well dur! Irrefutable research has shown that gluten is an absolute poison, not just for the 75% of the population now known to suffer from coeliac disease (and an amazing 99% of American shopping channel viewers) but for anyone who can spell flour. Fortunately not all flour is spelt. [Hoho. Ed.] As a consequence, the sandwich bar sells only bread substitutes and it’s amazing how good synthetic glues actually taste, when they’re mixed with hydroponic oats and artificial sweeteners. And soy butter.
So you can imagine how the latest news has hit our offices. Like a bombshell, that’s for sure. Dr Ignacio Paperino, the famed Mexican healer, clairvoyant and nutritionist, has done a Lance Amstrong and admitted he is a faker.
Unfortunately Dr Paperino couldn’t get onto Oprah, but Michael Laws on Radiolive has similar pulling-power and occasionally lets his guests get a word in. And what words Dr Paperino did get in had a devastating effect.
For a start he’s not a real doctor. Dr is his first name – he’s of Albanian descent, not Mexican royalty as he claimed. Nor does he own a large clinic in Monterey, a villa in Tuscany, nor even a town-house in Aberdeen. No, he works from a shed at the back of a – wait for it – takeaway shop in the Wairarapa. Admittedly, that’s how a lot of great people started out, but at least they had furniture and a pen. Not so Dr, I mean Mr Paperino.
He came clean on all the modern advances in dietary science he’s announced over the years, the ones that have been lapped up by a public eager to believe there’s an easier, more expensive way to get healthy that doesn’t involve exercise and broccoli.
Everything he’s told us to do has been lies, to make him feel better about himself, and rich. Apparently, you don’t need to drink 8 glasses of water a day to keep yourself hydrated. You get plenty of water from other sources. And gluten isn’t bad for you, unless you’re in the 1% of the population who actually have coeliac disease. Gluten may actually be good for the rest of us.
Worst of all, he says soy makes you grow breasts, which may not get you a spot in the All Blacks, and there might be other disadvantages as well.
All in all, it’s caused a major rethink here at WWNews HQ. We’ll keep the water-cooler; we just won’t fill it as often. Daisy the cow can have her office back, until she starts looking a bit plumper. And the toastie-pie maker will return to the staff kitchen alongside the espresso machine. Even more importantly for staff morale, we can start having after-work drinks – everybody’s favourite has always been bourbon and diet coke.
I’m feeling better already.