January 1, 2013 by Doug Coutts
Doctors, sports experts and PR Hacks in this plucky little country that continually punches above its weight are horrified to discover obesity epidemic poses serious threat to the epithet. Solutions range from diet to exercise, with preferred option time-honoured figure fudging.
Prime Minster John Key and organ grinder’s monkey John Banks are embroiled in scandal over involvement with imported obesity epidemic Kim Dotcom. The public soon tires of claims, counter-claims and endless photo opportunities but limelight-loving Dotcom is like a dog with a bone, except he eats it whole. And the dog too.
Fearless freedom fighter Julian Assange adopts Spanish accent and claims to enjoy bananas in an attempt to protect important freedoms, including his own. Or it might have been some other month but no one cares any more.
Easter eggs go on sale for Easter 2013, edging out Christmas displays in most Supermarkets. NZ Government decides to move away from non-core business, such as running the country, by selling off things which require running. Outcry in media, at least until Kim Dotcom stages another publicity stunt – this time parking his entourage of Hummers on a motorcycle-only park in downtown Lumsden. Lumsden’s motorcycle community is outraged or so she says.
Australia gets tough with illegal migrants, threatening to blow rotting boats out of the water and refuse landing rights to Air New Zealand. NZ Prime Minister John Key acts decisively, securing contracts to supply ammunition through brother-in-law’s arms dealership.
Local stores start advertising Thanksgiving sales four months out despite (a) Thanksgiving being a peculiarly American custom and (b) what is there to be thankful about? Some Wellington retailers, however, are concerned another bogus merchandising event will remove shift from traditional Latvian Jāņi Festival sales later this month.
Winter bites throughout New Zealand. Temperatures soar to 25, then drop sharply to around freezing. Southerly squalls force traffic off roads and cyclone tears rooves from houses. Things clear up before lunch though, meaning media looks to Dotcom to fill remain column inches and news hour. He has nothing but luckily Michael Laws has some spare rants he can trot out.
Olympics in full swing. NZ sportsmen and women continue to box above weight, except in boxing. Rowers especially do their bit in showcasing sporting excellence and promoting NZ as a tourist destination. On that topic, Peter Jackson announces he’s secured rights to Tolkien’s shopping list for August 17, 1936 – the 5 movie deal has delighted LOTR fans and dimwits alike, which they are. Very alike.
National Government in tatters and trailing in polls. Labour opposition eyes up chance to seize the moment and leaps into action. Resulting internal leadership tussle raises National 50 points in the polls while Labour is rapidly running out of toes to aim at.
Wellington man is plagued by self-doubt so googles to see if “rooves” is still a word. It is, only just. “Google” as a verb appears in some dictionaries, despite Google’s attempt to charge for its use. Spelling seems to be on the way out, if facebook pages, TVNZ and Fairfax online are anything to go by.
Obama wins another term. New Zealanders rejoice while Americans are 99% sure New Zealand is a town in Arkansas. Hobbit movie premieres in Wellington giving Prime Minister John Key a chance to bask in glory, celebrating the shafting of local film-workers to make NZ a prime tourist destination. He gives credit where credit’s due however – the movie wouldn’t have been possible without Warners’ accepting billions in bribes and free parking vouchers for life.
Entire country spends up large on Xmas presents, then spends even more the next day for next Xmas. Retailers hold out high hopes for Easter sales in January. Media holds high hopes for a year’s worth of startling new revelations from Dotcom. Some folk just despair.